Bad News

Well, I went in to see my doctor yesterday after having gotten bloodwork done to see if I had Crohn’s Disease or not. Well, good news – I don’t have Crohn’s Disease- bad news- I may have Leukemia instead. I have to get a bunch more tests done before they can diagnose me for certain, but it’s scary… I cried for 3 hours straight last night and then carried on to crying myself to sleep. I woke up at 6:00 am and just couldn’t sleep because my mind kept racing. Am I going to die? Is this what all people with cancer feel like? I don’t know why I feel this way… I’ve always embraced death because of my depression. It’s just so surreal.

I hope that they find out quickly if I do have it or not. It’s tearing me apart just sitting around waiting for news that could change my life – same thing happened when I supposedly had Crohn’s Disease… It’s an extremely restless wait that just breaks down all of your barriers. Crying is much easier to do than holding back tears. Fighting comes much more easily because you can’t bottle the anger up any longer. Pushing people away seems to be the best thought, but it really isn’t. Just another thing for my family to be put through and to worry about. When will the bad end? When will my family finally get to see good karma? We aren’t bad people and we work hard to survive… It’s so saddening. I just feel like a burden to them.

 

I can only wait and see, I guess…

Why?

I always thought that good things happened to those who wait or to good people, but from experience in my short-lived 20 years of life, there’s no such thing as “good”.

Every family has their struggles, every culture and person, as well, but this is just too much for one family to be able to handle. It’s been the same thing over and over and over again. We get hit with new problems that can’t be fixed or has no easy fix. Sure, life isn’t meant to be easy, but where the hell is karma? When will it come back around? Will it ever?

The next 5 years will be the death of me and I don’t know how to stop thinking about all of what is to come. I can’t think of any of the good anymore because the bad has done nothing but cloud my judgement and ruin my love of everything. I love my family, but I believe that we are going to fall apart after all of this is through… If it ever is through.

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I can’t handle living this way any longer. I don’t want to be here anymore and I can’t find that silver lining that everyone talks about. I’m not going back on my medication. I hate everyone and everything and haven’t felt this way for a while. I wish that I was never born or that I could just take my own life without hesitation.

This pain, the anguish, the stress, I honestly can’t handle it. I just want to die.