Update

Wow. It’s been 3 years since my last blog post. After having read through everything, I’d like to be able to say that things have changed – sure, my grammar and spelling abilities have increased, and I’ve matured as a person – but nothing really has. I mean, I did get married to my high school sweetheart and graduate from university, so that was something… But my mental health has still been a whirlwind and my family life has also been topsy-turvy. My grandfather passed away in 2013, then my grandmother followed in 2015. I went through university with my mental health altering between “Okay, I can handle this” to “I am going to kill myself”. This wasn’t ideal (obviously) and created a lot of strain for myself and everyone whom I cared for. I had made friends, lost them, made more friends, and lost them, as well. I haven’t had stability in my life, except for my husband, and every time I move forward one step, I am forced to take three in the opposite direction. This is my reality, of which I need to learn to live with, but often times it is too difficult to cope with. I just started graduate school, which was a huge accomplishment after having taken a year off in between undergrad and grad school, but I already had to take a leave due to my mental health. Grad school is not what I thought it would be, and it put me through the ringer (which is depressing as I was only in class for two weeks). If you would like a picture of how bad this was for me, someone who has generalized anxiety, clinical depression, OCD, and possibly borderline personality disorder (not afraid to air out my dirty laundry in regards to my mental health anymore, by the way), imagine being confronted with your worst fear over and over and over again, but with no relief or ability to fight against that fear. Sure, exposure therapy is a thing that works for many, but although I have been conducting this on myself for some time by introducing myself to such fears (e.g., public speaking, speaking to other people in general, going out with others), nothing has seemed to alleviate this issue. And if some of you don’t know, graduate school in psychology consists of mainly seminar courses (i.e., discussion-based lectures). This means that instead of being taught, we are reading articles and teaching each other via 2.5 – 3-hour discussion sessions. Now, someone else who has generalized anxiety can attest to this, but this is downright the worst situation to be in! To constantly be comparing yourself to others, not be able to put together a coherent sentence in order to answer someone’s inquiries or think of questions that you can pose to them about the readings, and to constantly have heart palpitations and drowning in sweat is something that pushes you away from being able to do the things that will lead to your dreams. Anyway, enough about grad school… This may actually be the end of this path. I am looking for a job that I like. If I find one within the year leave, I won’t be going back. More to come in another post!

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Bad News

Well, I went in to see my doctor yesterday after having gotten bloodwork done to see if I had Crohn’s Disease or not. Well, good news – I don’t have Crohn’s Disease- bad news- I may have Leukemia instead. I have to get a bunch more tests done before they can diagnose me for certain, but it’s scary… I cried for 3 hours straight last night and then carried on to crying myself to sleep. I woke up at 6:00 am and just couldn’t sleep because my mind kept racing. Am I going to die? Is this what all people with cancer feel like? I don’t know why I feel this way… I’ve always embraced death because of my depression. It’s just so surreal.

I hope that they find out quickly if I do have it or not. It’s tearing me apart just sitting around waiting for news that could change my life – same thing happened when I supposedly had Crohn’s Disease… It’s an extremely restless wait that just breaks down all of your barriers. Crying is much easier to do than holding back tears. Fighting comes much more easily because you can’t bottle the anger up any longer. Pushing people away seems to be the best thought, but it really isn’t. Just another thing for my family to be put through and to worry about. When will the bad end? When will my family finally get to see good karma? We aren’t bad people and we work hard to survive… It’s so saddening. I just feel like a burden to them.

 

I can only wait and see, I guess…

Why?

I always thought that good things happened to those who wait or to good people, but from experience in my short-lived 20 years of life, there’s no such thing as “good”.

Every family has their struggles, every culture and person, as well, but this is just too much for one family to be able to handle. It’s been the same thing over and over and over again. We get hit with new problems that can’t be fixed or has no easy fix. Sure, life isn’t meant to be easy, but where the hell is karma? When will it come back around? Will it ever?

The next 5 years will be the death of me and I don’t know how to stop thinking about all of what is to come. I can’t think of any of the good anymore because the bad has done nothing but cloud my judgement and ruin my love of everything. I love my family, but I believe that we are going to fall apart after all of this is through… If it ever is through.